Dispatch
Notes on satire tees, heavyweight cotton, and the line we will not sand down. Titles first. Drafts get sharper.
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The Line That Turned Applause Into Payroll
October 6, 2026
The pipeline is the tool. It turned bitumen under Alberta ground into a wage a crew can count on, royalties that keep a clinic staffed, and a market that reaches past the next election. Pacific Link will carry a million barrels a day from Bruderheim to Roberts Bank, following the corridor already proven by Trans […]
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Congratulations, Alberta: The Statehood Nobody Voted For
September 14, 2026
Americans love a celebration. Canadians love a boundary. Between those two habits sits a novelty announcement that treats Alberta as if Congress had already found a spare star and a spare chair. The picture is festive on purpose: fireworks, gold stars, a cowgirl in plaid, oil derricks in the corners, and Alberta’s wild rose laid […]
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Real Grace Has No Mandate
September 13, 2026
A rubber-hose sermon on joy, clipboards, and why Washington cannot issue a halo. There is a peculiar modern superstition that a man must take a number before he is allowed to be glad. The form changes. The clerk does not. First they want your pronouns. Then they want your carbon. Then they want a moment […]
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You Smell Like Drama And A Headache – Sassy Stop Hand
September 12, 2026
You Smell Like Drama And A Headache There’s a certain specimen walking around this country who treats “no” the way a committee treats a budget: as a first draft, a starting position, a thing to be workshopped until you give in. They don’t hear a sentence. They hear an opening. They negotiate. They circle back. […]
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All Tech CEOs: Same Yacht, Different Excuses
September 12, 2026
You already knew, didn’t you? Same hull, different sermon, same lecture from the sundeck. Silicon Valley didn’t disrupt the yacht — they just ordered a matching fleet, called it vision, and started telling you about scarcity while the ice machine hums. Folks, this is your harmless lovable little fuzzball with talent on loan from God. […]
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CEO of Different Excuses: When Accountability Gets a Corner Office
September 12, 2026
The Chief Excuse Officer has gone mainstream. Not the hard-charging executive who owns outcomes, but the quiet force that asks “Why won’t this work?” instead of “How do we make it happen?” In boardrooms and ballot boxes alike, excuse culture thrives—until conservatives call it what it is: the enemy of order, agency, and results. The […]
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Shill Ramen Broth Dog: When Cute Faces Sell Toxic Soup
September 12, 2026
In an age of endless product placement and paid endorsements, the Shill Ramen Broth Dog stands as a perfect emblem of diluted priorities. This isn’t about actual canines slurping noodles—vets have long documented that ramen broth packs dangerous sodium loads, onion, and garlic that wreck a dog’s red blood cells and electrolytes.[1][2] It’s about the […]
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BAIJIU WHITE MONKEY
September 12, 2026
The night everyone argued about what “white” was supposed to mean The lazy Susan had already completed two full revolutions and nobody had agreed on a religion, a wine list, or whether the banana in the fruit bowl was a snack or a personality. Uncle Zhou cracked the baijiu. The cap made that cheap plastic […]
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YOU ARE HERE. FOR NOW.
September 12, 2026
The graphic is a fork, not a debate. One road glows gold and keeps moving. The other is a tombstone, skulls, dripping red, going nowhere. The sign does not ask you to choose. It reports where you already stand. Folks, look at it: three points, then the verdict. One. Prices versus the ministry. A market […]
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No U-Turns from the Ossuary
September 12, 2026
The sign is an apothegm, not a slogan: one road, one direction, no U-turns allowed. Behind you a mountain of skulls, the blood-red legend dripping over the last century’s most ambitious lucubration. Ahead, gold-paved motion under prices that tell you you are wrong before the graveyard does. This is not subtle. It is not supposed […]
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Alberta Doesn’t Ask
September 12, 2026
The Great Horned Owl became Alberta’s official bird on May 3, 1977, after a province-wide children’s vote. It is a year-round resident. It does not migrate.[1] The design now attached to it is not a mascot. It is a warning stare with feathers. Alberta does not ask permission. The owl watches you leave. The category […]
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Alberta Pops the Raging Money Sponge
September 12, 2026
Ottawa’s equalization racket is the roommate who raids your fridge, votes himself a bigger allowance, then scolds you for the carbon in your steak. Alberta’s the guy who finally showed up with a pin. That’s the show. In 2021, 61.7 percent of Albertans told Ottawa to yank the equalization clause from the Constitution. Turnout was […]
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Great Bear Independence: Alberta Doesn’t Negotiate
September 12, 2026
Alberta doesn’t ask permission. It drills, it harvests wheat, and it wears a bear that looks ready to secede on its own. Ottawa’s the high-maintenance date who spends the paycheck, lectures you on carbon, and still wonders why you’re not more grateful. That’s the sitcom beat. Confederation as a roommate agreement where one guy brings […]
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No Leash on Al-Bear-Ta
September 7, 2026
Alberta doesn’t ask permission. This bear doesn’t either. Untamed. Unregulated. Unbothered. You in Ottawa—yes, you—keep reaching for a collar. Emissions caps. Pipeline strangulation. Lectures from the Laurentian paper-pushers. This is not complicated. Section 92 of the Constitution Act, 1867, hands non-renewable natural resources to the provinces. Premier Danielle Smith cites it […]